i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
