hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
