Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
