Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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