So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
