I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
