drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
