Dude my mom stole all your condoms
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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