whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
