How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
