Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
