My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
