Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
