Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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