like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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