Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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