You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
