he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
