thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
