i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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