Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
