Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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