mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
