After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
