im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just want to make out with him forever
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize