Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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