I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
