he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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