Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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