You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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