Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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