I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
