I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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