I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
