I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
