If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
