And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
