Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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