just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
