Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
