Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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