I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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