My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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