All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
