hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
