The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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