Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize