SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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