Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
