One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
