This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
