dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
