yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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