My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I could fuck to npr.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
