I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
