i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize