I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
