WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
