so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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