I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Im part way to drunk.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
